10 Things Professionals Think Help Loss Families… But Don’t

Let me be honest—no one ever prepared me for the silence.
Not the silence in the room after my daughter was born still…
And definitely not the silence from my providers after I left the hospital…

Now, as a pregnancy loss educator and bereaved mother, I teach professionals what I wish someone had taught the people who cared for me.

Too often, well-meaning doulas, nurses, and therapists say or do things they believe are comforting—but they actually deepen the trauma.

Let’s get real. Here are 10 things professionals often do with love and good intentions… that don’t help the way they think they do—with insights into why, and what to do instead.

1. “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

This invalidates the loss and minimizes the grief. The family didn’t lose “a pregnancy.” They lost a baby. A child. A future. A name. A person they had already begun to love.

Research insight: Grief after stillbirth or miscarriage is tied to attachment and identity. According to a study in the Journal of Perinatal Education, acknowledging the baby as real and irreplaceable helps families cope with loss in healthier ways.

Say instead: “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. They mattered, and your grief matters.”

2. “Everything happens for a reason.”

This spiritual bypassing is often more about our own discomfort than their healing. It can feel like you're asking them to find meaning in their baby’s death before they’ve even been allowed to grieve it.

Research insight: A 2022 study in Omega: Journal of Death and Dying found that platitudes and premature meaning-making can compound trauma and stall authentic grief processing.

Say instead: “You don’t have to make sense of this. You just get to feel it—and I’ll be right here.”

3. Avoiding the baby’s name.

Many professionals fear that saying the baby’s name will “remind” the parents of their loss. But trust me: they never forgot. Not hearing the name can make families feel like their baby is being erased.

Research insight: Naming and memory-making are protective grief rituals, linked to lower rates of complicated grief (Source: Perinatal Loss Care Guidelines, SANDS UK).

Say instead: “I’ve been thinking about [baby’s name]. I want you to know their life mattered to me, too.”

4. “I know how you feel.”

Even if you’ve had a loss—it’s not the same. Every grief is shaped by different factors: timing, trauma, history, relationships, meaning.

Research insight: Empathy fatigue and mis-attuned validation are common risks in bereavement care. Professionals must co-regulate, not co-compare (Source: Psychology Today, 2023).

Say instead: “I don’t know what this feels like for you, but I’m here. And I won’t leave.”

5. Quickly shifting to the future.

“Well, maybe next time…”
“You’ll be a great mom one day…”
These phrases bypass the now, and invalidate the grief of this moment, this baby.

Research insight: Encouraging “positive reframing” too early is linked to emotional suppression and long-term anxiety (Source: Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 2021).

Say instead: “I’m here with you. There’s no rush to the next chapter. Let’s stay with this one for as long as you need.”

6. Only addressing mom.

Partners are often overlooked, and yet they carry their own grief—complicated by cultural silence, lack of recognition, and pressure to “be strong.”

Research insight: A 2023 study in Fathering: A Journal of Men’s Studies showed that fathers and non-birthing partners report being treated as “emotional bystanders,” leading to isolation and resentment.

Do this instead: Make eye contact. Say their name. Ask how they are doing. Offer them resources, too.

7. Using clinical terms instead of family language.

Saying “fetus,” “remains,” or “products of conception” in place of baby or their child can feel cold, detached, and dehumanizing—even if it’s medically accurate.

Research insight: According to bereaved families surveyed in the British Journal of Midwifery, respectful, relational language promotes trust, connection, and emotional healing.

Say instead: Use the family’s language. If they say “our son,” say “your son.” If they named the baby, use it.

8. Calling grief a phase to move through.

Grief is not a staircase. There’s no checklist. It’s not something we “complete.” It becomes part of us—integrated, revisited, reshaped.

Research insight: The idea of “five stages” of grief is outdated and widely misunderstood. Current grief models support nonlinear adaptation and continuing bonds (Source: Dr. Pauline Boss, Ambiguous Loss).

Say instead: “Grief isn’t something to get over. It’s something to carry. And I’ll walk beside you as long as you need.”

9. Avoiding the topic altogether.

Saying nothing might feel safer—but to a grieving family, it feels like abandonment.

Research insight: A study in Death Studies found that healthcare silence after loss is often interpreted as shame, indifference, or dismissal. Families want acknowledgment, even if imperfect.

Do this instead: Speak. Gently. Honestly. Even if it’s awkward. “I don’t have the perfect words, but I want you to know I see your pain, and I’m here.”

10. Thinking you don’t need this training until a loss happens.

By then, it’s too late. Your panic, discomfort, or silence may become part of the family’s trauma story.

Professional insight: According to The Lancet, stillbirth affects 1 in 160 pregnancies in the U.S., and most providers will encounter loss more than once in their career.

Get trained BEFORE it happens. Preparation is protection—for families and for you.

So... What Now?

If you’re a birth worker, therapist, nurse, or provider:
Please get trained.
Because the most dangerous thing in a grief room is someone who doesn’t know how to hold it.

🕯️ Join us for our next Pregnancy Loss Education Training, August 1–3.
🎓 Certificate of completion
💻 Live + lifetime replay access
📚 Trauma-informed. Heart-led. Created by someone who’s lived it.

Early bird pricing ends July 21. $277.00
Let’s do better—together.

👉 Learn more + register: evelynjamesandco.com/live-pregnancy-loss-education-training