The Part of Grief No Calendar Prepares You For

School started for my kids, and it has had me in my feelings in that very specific mom way.

→The backpacks.
→The lunch boxes.
→The new shoes.
→The first-day pictures.
→The tiny heartbreak of watching them become more themselves.

And as wonderful as it is, it is also hard. Because I know these are the last times I will experience each of them at this age, in this grade, in this version of who they are.

And then, because I am Evelyn's mom, my mind goes there too. Evelyn would be seven.

→I think about what her backpack would look like.
→What grade she would be in.
→Whether she would be excited or nervous.
→Whether she would want braids or a bow or absolutely no help from me at all.

But because she isn't here, I can only replay the life I created in my mind when I was pregnant with her. And at the same time, I walk by my china cabinet which is an Evelyn shrine if you will and realize this is how we spend our time together. Quietly in our house, me thinking about her as I go about my day. 

That is the kind of thoughts loss moms have.

→Not always loud.
→Not always dramatic.
→Not always visible.

But there.

This is why I talk so much about long-term support after pregnancy and infant loss.

Because grief does not only live in the day the baby dies.

It lives in school years. Family photos. Milestones. Birthdays. Quiet mornings. The age they would be now.

A small takeaway for you:
When you check in with a bereaved parent, you do not have to wait for the obvious dates.

You can say:

“I was thinking of [Baby's Name] today and wondering what this season has felt like for you.”

That kind of message tells a parent: “Your baby is still allowed to exist here.”

This is a just a small sample of how we train our doulas, lactation consultants, and other perinatal professionals in our Self-Paced Pregnancy Loss Education course. We focus on how we show up authentically for a family going through the worst moment of their lives, to help them feel less alone in their grief.

Is there anything that helped you connect with a loss family? Was there anyone who specifically helped you with your grief? Connect with us and share your story - the more we connect, the more support we can give to each other.