What to Say to Someone After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
If someone you love has lost a baby, through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or pregnancy complications, you may feel frozen. You want to help, but you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing.
Here’s the truth I want you to hear first:
Silence hurts more than imperfect words. Research in grief psychology consistently shows that bereaved parents experience secondary loss when people disappear, avoid them, or minimize their pain. Avoidance communicates something devastating: your grief is too uncomfortable for me.
So let’s talk about what actually helps.
First, understand what they are experiencing
Pregnancy and infant loss is not just grief, it is trauma, it is a deeply painful, visceral internal wound.
Trauma researchers like Dr. Bessel van der Kolk and perinatal grief experts agree that this type of loss:
Shatters a parent’s sense of safety
Disrupts identity (they became a parent, but without a living child)
Creates grief without social scripts or rituals
Often includes medical trauma, shock, and dissociation
This means:
Their nervous system may be overwhelmed
Their memory, concentration, and emotional regulation may be impaired
They may not respond “normally” or consistently
So before worrying about what to say, ground yourself in how to be.
The foundation: presence over perfection
Evidence-based grief care emphasizes three core principles:
Validation
Witnessing
Consistency
You do not need to fix anything.
You do not need the right phrase.
You need to stay.
What to say (and why it helps)
1. Say the baby’s name (if they shared it)
“I’m so sorry that Evelyn died. Her life and the love we all have for her matters.”
Why this helps:
Naming the baby acknowledges their existence
It validates the parent’s identity as a mother or father
Research shows that continued acknowledgment reduces feelings of isolation
Avoid euphemisms like “your loss” when you can name what actually happened.
2. Lead with acknowledgment, not explanation
“This is devastating. I wish this didn’t happen.”
This aligns with trauma-informed communication: Do not explain pain away. There is nothing you can do or say to take the pain away. It is impossible.
Grief experts like Megan Devine emphasize that pain does not need meaning, it needs company. If you want a great book on grief and loss check her book out.
3. Say “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here”
This is one of the safest and most honest things you can say. It makes you human and makes them realize, they aren’t the only ones who don’t know what to do.
It communicates:
Humility
Presence
Emotional safety
Research on supportive communication shows that authenticity builds more trust than perfect language.
4. Offer specific, concrete support
Instead of:
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Say:
“I’m going to drop off dinner on Tuesday. Is that okay?”
“Can I walk the dog this week?”
“I can sit with you or watch the kids if you need quiet.”
Why this matters:
Grief impairs executive functioning, it is nearly impossible to function on a day-to-day basis. Things like hygiene, eating, laundry can feel too hard.
Decision-making is exhausting in early loss, there is no mental capacity in the parents to make decisions about anything. This is why support is SO important.
Practical support reduces stress hormones and supports nervous system regulation
5. Acknowledge that grief doesn’t end
“I know this isn’t something you just get over. I’m here for the long haul.”
Longitudinal grief studies show that bereaved parents feel most abandoned months later, when support fades but grief intensifies.
This sentence alone can change everything.
What not to say (and why it causes harm)
These phrases are often well-intended, but grief research shows they can increase shame and isolation. I like to believe most people mean well. But we need to take the families into consideration and how it would feel to hear the things below that should not be said.
Avoid spiritual bypassing
“Everything happens for a reason”
“God needed another angel”
“It was meant to be”
These statements:
Dismiss pain
Imply inevitability
Can rupture trust, especially after traumatic loss
Avoid minimizing or comparative statements
“At least you know you can get pregnant” As if getting pregnant is the issue if a full-term baby can die, no length of pregnancy feels safe and this again invalidates their current experience.
“You can try again” This makes it feel as if this baby wasn’t worthy and that he/she can be replaced. This baby is special and loved and deserves the space and time to be remembered.
“Others have it worse” This makes it feel like they shouldn’t be grieving at all, invalidating their entire experience.
Grief is not logical and comparison invalidates lived experience.
Avoid timelines
“You’ll feel better soon”
“Time heals all wounds”
There is no evidence-based timeline for grief. It is not linear, there are is no end. In fact, pressure to “move on” is linked to complicated grief outcomes.
Grief is not linear, here’s what that actually looks like
People often expect grief to move in stages: shock → sadness → acceptance → closure
But real grief looks more like this:
functioning okay for a while, then collapsing unexpectedly
feeling stable for months, then undone by a smell, song, or date
laughing one moment and sobbing the next
feeling peace and devastation at the same time
experiencing very intense emotions like rage, anger, helpless or confusion, it often makes our bodies have visceral reactions like we need to put this energy somewhere ( a punching bag or a pillow is a great outlet)
This is not regression. This is not failure. This is how our nervous systems process loss.
Trauma and grief researchers, including Bessel van der Kolk, have shown that grief lives not just in the mind, but in the body. Triggers activate the same stress responses long after the loss occurred.
Which means time passing alone does not heal grief, but safety, validation and grief integration do.
Why pressure to “move on” causes harm
Studies on bereavement show that external pressure to grieve differently, faster, or quieter is associated with worse mental health outcomes.
When parents are told things like:
“You should be feeling better by now”
“You need to move forward”
“Staying sad isn’t healthy”
“At some point you have to let it go”
What actually happens is; grief becomes internalized as shame and they will stop reaching out for help; emotions are suppressed instead of processed which causes problems don’t the road because those emotions sit in our bodies until we are ready to feel it; and parents stop sharing honestly which increases isolation. This pattern is strongly linked to complicated grief, also known as Prolonged Grief Disorder, where grief becomes more intense over time rather than less.
Grief expert Megan Devine explains this clearly, “Pain that is not allowed to be expressed does not disappear. It goes underground.”
In other words:
Grief does not become complicated because someone grieves too long.
It becomes complicated because they are not allowed to grieve honestly.
There is no “end” to grief , only integration
Grief does not end because love does not end.
What changes over time is not the presence of grief, but:
how loud it is
how often it interrupts daily life
how much support exists around it
Many parents describe it this way:
“The grief doesn’t get smaller. My life grows around it.” This aligns with grief science, which shows that healing is about integration, not resolution. You do not “get over” the death of your child.
You learn how to carry it.
What Healthy Grief Can Look Like
Healthy grief can include:
continued sadness years later
missing your baby deeply on anniversaries
moments of joy that coexist with pain
talking about your baby long after others stop asking
needing support again at new life transitions
This is not pathology. This is attachment to a very loved baby. A very loved child that is no longer here.
Grief only becomes a concern when:
someone is pressured to suppress it
support disappears too soon
their experience is repeatedly invalidated
trauma responses are ignored or dismissed
What to say weeks, months, and years later
This matters more than you think. When someone reaches out to me to tell me they thought about Evelyn, or to wish her happy birthday every year, it truly means the world to me. It took them maybe a few minutes to think about what to say and send a message, but those few minutes mean absolutely everything to me for someone to remember our girl, but also that I may need support.
On ordinary days:
“I was thinking about your baby today.”
“ I saw a dragonfly today and it made me think about Evelyn! just wanted to let me know I was thinking about her today!”
“I wish Baby Evelyn could be with us today! I kept thinking of where she would fit in with all of our kids!”
On anniversaries or due dates:
“I know this might be a heavy day. I’m holding you and your baby in my heart.”
“I’m sending your favorite starbucks drink, it will be delivered by 10am. I’m thinking about you and Baby Evelyn today.”
“Are you celebrating Baby Evelyn’s birthday today? If you want company I would love to come sit with and celebrate with you today. Let me know if that is something you would like! No pressure at all.”
“Happy Birthday to Baby Evelyn today! We are all missing her today. Thinking about you my friend. If there is anything I can help you with today, just let me know, I’m happy to come over and spend time with you!”
When you don’t know what to say:
“I’m still here.”
“I don’t want you to feel alone. I know the loss of Baby Evelyn has been devastating. I want you to know I think about you both very often”
“ How have you been coping lately? I’ve been thinking about you and Baby Evelyn today.”
Continued acknowledgment is one of the strongest protective factors against prolonged isolation. We want to know that others remember and that we aren’t alone in our grief.
If you’ve already said the wrong thing
Repair matters more than perfection. We need our people and our community.
Say:
“I’ve been thinking about what I said, and I realize it may not have been helpful. I’m sorry. I care about you and want to support you better.”
“ I have been reading about baby loss and grief and I realize I may have said _________ wrong. I am so sorry if I hurt you feelings and made you feel invalidated, that was not my intention. I love you so much and I want to be supportive.”
These help repair safety, take accountability and responsibility and avoid defensiveness, grief-informed care values humility, it is okay to be wrong, we are human too.
The most important thing to remember
You cannot fix baby loss.
You cannot make it better.
But you can make it less lonely.
And that, according to decades of grief and trauma research, is what actually heals.
A final word from me, as a loss mom
If you’re reading this because someone you love lost a baby: thank you for trying. Your presence matters more than you know.
And if you’re reading this as a parent whose baby died:
Your grief is not too much.
Your baby mattered.
And you deserve to be spoken to with care, honesty, and love.
You are seen. You are not alone. I love you so much!
